Butternut squash pasta sauce

My blog mates have been trying to kill you with their posts lately, so today I offer a healthier alternative. I say ‘healthier’ and not ‘healthy’ since while this does involve a very large squash, it also involves a cup of cream and cheese. Yum.

I have never cooked squash before because I don’t really like squash. But I’ve noticed, over the past few years, that I don’t really mind as many vegetables as  I claim to hate. I don’t like them, but they’re ok. So when I saw this recipe for Butternut squash pasta, I thought I’d see if I disliked it as much as I thought I did.

I followed the recipe exactly (well almost), and it was good. If you like butternut squash, it may even be great. But so sweet! Which is weird! When I make it again, I’ll swap out the cream in favor of plain yogurt which should help.

Is squash always so overpowering? I kept adding more lemon juice to balance out the sweet. Any other suggestions, my squash-loving friends?

Recipe after the jump.

WTF (What the Food!) Cool Whip Edition

Cool Whip is definitely an element of food-culture that does not travel well from North America to Europe. It is essentially a long-life artificial whipped cream that can be frozen and defrosted without altering its texture.  According to a Wired Magazine piece on Cool Whip, it is double the price of whipped cream and contains mostly water, air, sugar, wax and condom lubricant (brings a whole new meaning to dessert topping).  Dig in!

Cool Whip

Ease 5/5 – Open, insert spoon, plop onto pie.  None of that painstaking, time consuming, calorie burning whisking to slow down dessert.

Colour 4/5 – Not white, like whipped cream would be, more like an off-white.  Somewhat like vanilla ice-cream, not offensive, but kind of odd.

Texture 3/5 – I know that this is whipped.  Your mouth can feel that this is whipped.  Unfortunately all of this aeration doesn’t result in something that is creamy or nice on the tongue; it feels like a dense, stabilised foam – which, I think, is a pretty damned accurate description.  Doesn’t really melt in your mouth but rather collapses.

Flavour 4/5 – It tastes sweet.  It doesn’t really have much beyond that.  High fructose corn syrup, palm kernel oil and coconut oil are the main ingredients – I haven’t eaten enough palm kernel oil to know it when I taste it, so who knows.

Resemblance to packaging 1/5 – You fail, Kraft.  Unless you were to whip the container’s contents (which you’re not going to, because it defeats the purpose of a ready whipped topping) and dispense from a piping bag, you are never going to get Cool Whip to look like the packaging.

In my vast experience with Cool Whip I have never really given much thought to the actual ingredients until today.  I see the appeal, it’s pre-made and sweet, it comes in lower calorie versions, it would have been a house-wife’s dream in the 60’s, but do you really want to eat something that is full of chemicals and delivers a sub-par gastronomical experience for the sake of saving 5 minutes of whisking and the hassle of washing up?  If so, to each their own, but I will always choose real whipped cream.  Every time.

– Ryan

Chocolate toffee cookies

Under Creative Commons licence from Flickr user jwalsh

I’ve already crowned a chocolate chip cookie “Best cookie ever“, so we’ll have to file these under “Most ridiculous cookie ever”.  The recipe makes about 2 dozen large cookies, but only has half a cup of flour it.  Chocolate, brown sugar, and eggs provide most of the bulk.

The recipe is American and calls for 5 chopped Heath bars, which are made by Hersheys and therefore are not available over here in Cadbury land.  They are supposedly sold as Skor bars over here, but in my extensive searches I’ve not turned those up.  Instead, I experiment with different candy each time I make them.  I’ve used Cadbury Eclairs, milk chocolate bars with little toffee chunks, chopped soft Werthers, chocolate-coated toffee balls, and so on.  A word of warning – chopping caramel is difficult, and gives me a massive blister each time.  But…soooooo worth it.

Recipe after the jump.  You’re welcome. 

WTF (What the Food!) Pizza Pops Edition

A staple of pimple-ridden teenagers and breakfast for the Spears children, Pizza Pops are small, disgusting panzarotti ready for the microwave.  Although I had my choice of pizza-stuffed pastry in the frozen-food section, I opted for the name-brand Pillsbury Pizza Pops over the more suspicious looking Walmart ‘Pizza Pillows’. Call me a stickler for quality.  I think it’s important to note that you get 4 of these badboys for less than $2.  Yum.

When she was a teenager, my sister enjoyed these.  A lot.  Having not eaten a Pizza Pop since reaching adulthood, I asked her to revisit her youthful indulgence and weigh in on this edition of WTF.

Pillsbury Pizza Pops

Ease 3.5/5 – Unwrap, place in microwave for 1 minute.  Flip.  Microwave for an additional 15 seconds.  I would have given it 4 for ease, but I was burdened by the recommended flipping.  The box also suggests baking these in the oven, but who would invest 15 minutes of their time in order to eat one of these?

Colour 3/5 – The outside looks beautifully golden and toasted, which is clearly not from the microwave.  Inside is less aesthetically pleasing.

Texture 2/5 – It’s rare that the words ‘not disgusting’ are used as a compliment, but here we are.  At one point my sister noted that the ends were ‘crispy’, when I asked her to clarify it was apparent that she meant to say ‘chewy’.  Chewy is the best way to describe the pastry… that and greasy.  The texture of the filling was like a horrifying goo with chunks.  Not pleasant, but I doubt it will be the worst I will encounter in this little experiment.

Flavour 2/5 – ‘What is in my mouth’ is not a question I have had to ask very often.  I actually checked the box to see what it was stuffed with and it claims to contain 3 meats, but it could contain anything: pepperoni, sausage, cheese, tomato sauce, a human finger – let your imagination run wild.  Whatever grade F meat Pizza Pops contain is drenched in a suspension of tomato sauce, salt and sugar, so it doesn’t actually taste like any meat – a mixed blessing.

Resemblance to packaging 3/5 – not bad on the outside, but clearly not an accurate representation of what the filling looks like – I particularly enjoy the visible cheese inside the pastry on the box.  The packaging also grossly overstates the amount of filling that you will discover inside of a Pizza Pop. Trust me, this is a good thing.

If you enjoy eating super-salty, sugary, gooey mystery meats enveloped in a greasy, chewy pastry I have found your dream food.  If you are over the age of 17, there’s no excuse for eating these vile things unless you are living in your parents basement playing World of Warcraft – in which case: bon appetit!

– Ryan

WTF (What the Food!) Lime Soda Edition

Once again, I am pushing aside my foodie sensibilities and embracing the gourmand culture of North America by tasting some of the more outrageous gastronomical delights from the depths of hell a Walmart Supercentre.  For some reason these photos do not appear as terrifyingly green as the drink is until you click on the picture – try it and see!

Lime soda is not something that I’ve ever come across before.  I’ve had orange and grape crush as a child (a fruit-soda brand owned by Dr. Pepper), but never have I encountered something like this.

Lime Crush

Ease 5/5 – I chose to drink mine from a glass, on the rocks – because I’m classy like that.  Opening might be more difficult for a fat child accustomed to drinking these kinds of sodas, it would be like a little work-out: bend and twist.

Colour 5/5 – A beautiful, natural hugh gives your eyes a clue as to just what Lime Crush is plotting for your taste-buds.  Limes would only be this colour if they grew near a nuclear reactor.

Texture 1/5 – You wouldn’t expect a beverage to have a ‘texture’ per se… I guess technically this has more of a filminess than a texture.

Flavour 1/5 – Tastes like citric acid, sugar and green dye.  The unpleasant taste is surprising enough… until you experience the shockingly bad after-taste.  It has been 30 minutes and my tongue remains green and tingly.

Resemblance to packaging 5/5 – Good on you, Crush, for reducing your manufacturing costs by using the same dye to colour the label as you do the beverage.  I don’t see how this can be at all safe to consume, particularly for children.

I will never again drink anything that looks like it can glowing in the dark.

– Ryan

WTF (What the Food!) Kraft Dinner Edition

I’m back in Canada for Christmas, it’s cold and snowy… I have been gorging myself on far too much food in the name of keeping warm. Due to my obsession with the People of Walmart and curiosity about Walmart Supercentres (I have never been), I found myself in a vast hypermart.

Whilst at Walmart I have decided that since I will not be cooking very much over the coming week (a benefit of visiting my family), I will feature weird and wonderful foodstuffs picked up on my adventure.  Today we are examining Kraft Dinner.

As I touched upon previously , American food heavily influences what ends up Canadian plates.  This is particularly true with regards to processed foods – pretty much everything that I’m going to review is American, but this one dish that is uniquely Canadian in name alone.  Kraft Diner has been available since the 30’s but at some point was rebranded as ‘Kraft Macaroni and Cheese’ in the south of the border.  This rebrand never took place in Canadia and for this reason, Kraft Dinner has a special place in the hearts (and stomachs) of the nation’s youth.  Canadians are weird.

I accidentally picked up a box containing whole-wheat pasta… this was a mistake, but I will give a review based on the original, non-fibrous variety.

Kraft Dinner:

Ease 2/5 – you have to boil water, add pasta, drain, add margarine and butter and cheese sauce… all that stirring. WTF, don’t make me work for this Kraft.

Colour 4/5 – bright orange, unnaturally delicious

Texture 4/5 – as mentioned, I accidentally picked up the whole wheat version, I would give this a 1/5 – arguably the package covered in neon-cheese-sauce would be more palatable. It was gritty and weird, this hasn’t been my experience of whole wheat pastas in the past.  Regular Kraft Dinner is a solid 4/5 because it’s pasta, no surprises.

Flavour 4/5 – despite the unnatural colour this is a taste of childhood through to university.  I know it’s not everybody’s ideal meal, but the taste is certainly distinct and comforting.

Resemblance to packaging  5/5

High marks all around, Kraft, it’s no wonder that this meal has been popular for 8 decades and has even spun off an entire range of products.  I will be reviewing the ‘deluxe’ version this week.  Instead of mixing butter and cheese with powdered cheese, it comes with a convenient package of Velveeta to stir in.  Stay tuned.

– Ryan

A week to go!

I’ve ordered the ham from my local butcher, Majestic is delivering the wine on Monday, and the Christmas cake has been tended to with another dose of brandy.  Bring it on!

– Anna

Making the case for fruitcake

From Slate’s Sara Dickerman, here.

– Anna

Mulled Wine

When it starts to get cold and nights get longer Europeans’ love to warm up with mulled wine – also known as: vin chaud, Glühwein, or Glögg.  No matter what you call it, the recipe is based on warm, sweetened and spiced red wine and is guaranteed to put you in a festive mood.

Although I had to watch most of Jamie Oliver’s adventures in America with my eyes closed and ears covered, I caught a Christmas edition of another shows last night.  I saw what looks like a great recipe for mulled wine – I was particularly interested when Jamie pointed out that making a syrup first helps to prevent burning off any more alcohol than necessary… maybe I could learn to like Jamie.  The recipe on the channel 4 website differed slightly, in that it didn’t make syrup first, but I have amended it below.

Mulled Wine courtesy of Marco Veringa's Flickr stream

Mulled Wine (adapted from channel4.com):

• 2 clementines
• Peel of 1 lemon
• Peel of 1 lime
• 250g caster sugar
• 6 whole cloves
• 2 cinnamon sticks
• 3 fresh bay leaves (1.5 dried)
• 1 whole nutmeg
• 1 whole vanilla pod, split down the middle
• 2 star anise
• 2 bottles of good red

1. Peel large sections of peel from your clementines, lemon and lime using a speed peeler. Put the sugar in a large saucepan over a medium heat, add the pieces of peel and squeeze in the clementine juice. Add the cloves, cinnamon stick, bay leaves and about 10 to 12 gratings of nutmeg. Throw in your halved vanilla pod and stir in just enough water to cover the sugar. Let this simmer until the sugar has completely dissolved into the water and then bring to the boil. Keep on a rolling boil for about 4 to 5 minutes, or until you’ve got a beautiful thick syrup. The reason I’m doing this first is to create a wonderful flavour base by really getting the sugar and spices to infuse and blend well. It’s important to do make a syrup base first because it needs to be quite hot, and if you do this with wine, you’ll burn off the alcohol.

2. When your syrup is ready turn the heat down to low and add your star anise and both bottles of wine. Gently heat the wine and after around 5 minutes, when it’s warm and delicious, ladle it into glasses and serve.

If this isn’t boozy enough for you, feel free to add a shot of brandy to each glass!

– Ryan

Cacio e pepe, sorta

Spaghetti cacio e pepe is probably the simplest pasta dish this side of opening up a jar of sauce and pouring it on some cooked noodles. All it really is is spaghetti with a sauce made of melted pecorina romano, fresh ground black pepper and just enough of the pasta water to form a sauce. It’s a Roman classic, and while it’s not the most exciting dish, it’s tasty, simple and good. All things I like.

Pecorino courtesy of Flickr user EssG

I’ve never actually made it before, fearing the simplicity belied some trick I wasn’t seeing. I didn’t quite do it tonight either, instead livening things up with a paste I made from a touch of white wine and roasted garlic, and some parsley. The hardest thing about this is spending a bit of time grating all that cheese. Which means it’s really simple.

Pasta cacio e pepe with roasted garlic

About 250 grams dried pasta
100 grams pecorino romano
1 small head of garlic
2 tbsp white wine
1 tbsp olive oil + some for the roasting garlic
fresh ground black pepper
small bunch flat-leaf parsley

First, roast your garlic. I used a small head and followed this recipe. Basically, peel the outer layers away from the garlic, cover in a bit of olive oil, wrap up tight in tin foil and roast for 35 minutes in a 400 oven.

While the garlic roasts, finely grate that cheese using the small holes on a box grater and roughly chop the parsley. Grind a bunch of black pepper over the cheese, and put it to the side. The amount of pepper depends on how much you like pepper, but remember pepper is 50% of the ingredients in the original sauce recipe, so be generous.

When the garlic is done – that is, the cloves are very soft – remove from the oven and let cool. Put the water on to boil and cook the pasta according to the package instructions. I wouldn’t salt the water given all the salt in the cheese.

When the pasta hits the pot, squeeze the garlic cloves into a small sauce pan with the oil and wine. Mash the garlic with the back of a spoon until the mixture forms a paste. Cook over a low flame until you smell that the alcohol has burned off, then turn off the heat.

Reserve a cup of pasta water and drain. Return the pasta to the pot, pour over the garlic paste and sprinkle over the cheese, pepper and parsley. Start stirring, and add just enough of the reserved water to form a sauce. Then eat!

Whole thing should take not much more than 45 minutes start to finish, much of that unattended.

-Eve