A staple of pimple-ridden teenagers and breakfast for the Spears children, Pizza Pops are small, disgusting panzarotti ready for the microwave. Although I had my choice of pizza-stuffed pastry in the frozen-food section, I opted for the name-brand Pillsbury Pizza Pops over the more suspicious looking Walmart ‘Pizza Pillows’. Call me a stickler for quality. I think it’s important to note that you get 4 of these badboys for less than $2. Yum.
When she was a teenager, my sister enjoyed these. A lot. Having not eaten a Pizza Pop since reaching adulthood, I asked her to revisit her youthful indulgence and weigh in on this edition of WTF.
Pillsbury Pizza Pops
Ease 3.5/5 – Unwrap, place in microwave for 1 minute. Flip. Microwave for an additional 15 seconds. I would have given it 4 for ease, but I was burdened by the recommended flipping. The box also suggests baking these in the oven, but who would invest 15 minutes of their time in order to eat one of these?
Colour 3/5 – The outside looks beautifully golden and toasted, which is clearly not from the microwave. Inside is less aesthetically pleasing.
Texture 2/5 – It’s rare that the words ‘not disgusting’ are used as a compliment, but here we are. At one point my sister noted that the ends were ‘crispy’, when I asked her to clarify it was apparent that she meant to say ‘chewy’. Chewy is the best way to describe the pastry… that and greasy. The texture of the filling was like a horrifying goo with chunks. Not pleasant, but I doubt it will be the worst I will encounter in this little experiment.
Flavour 2/5 – ‘What is in my mouth’ is not a question I have had to ask very often. I actually checked the box to see what it was stuffed with and it claims to contain 3 meats, but it could contain anything: pepperoni, sausage, cheese, tomato sauce, a human finger – let your imagination run wild. Whatever grade F meat Pizza Pops contain is drenched in a suspension of tomato sauce, salt and sugar, so it doesn’t actually taste like any meat – a mixed blessing.
Resemblance to packaging 3/5 – not bad on the outside, but clearly not an accurate representation of what the filling looks like – I particularly enjoy the visible cheese inside the pastry on the box. The packaging also grossly overstates the amount of filling that you will discover inside of a Pizza Pop. Trust me, this is a good thing.
If you enjoy eating super-salty, sugary, gooey mystery meats enveloped in a greasy, chewy pastry I have found your dream food. If you are over the age of 17, there’s no excuse for eating these vile things unless you are living in your parents basement playing World of Warcraft – in which case: bon appetit!