Until last week I had never made popcorn on the stove. Well at least not as an unsupervised adult. Do you all know how easy it is to make? Very. And cheap! And not bad for you! A winning combination if ever there was one.
But you know what makes it winninger? Worcestershire sauce. I’m sure Anna will poo poo this particular good + good combination but don’t listen to her, internet. It’s awesome. I used to make it all the time with microwave popcorn in my New York years (read: when I was broke) and am very pleased to have been reunited with a favorite snack.
Thank you, me, for that random popping corn purchase six months ago.
We kicked off the summer barbeque season with a birthday celebration for our Southern friend Beau that included ribs, pulled pork sandwiches, tater salad, and lemon icebox dessert, amongst other treats. In the absence of any food photos, however, I’m forced to post gratuitous photos of everyone’s* favourite furry guest.
*Everyone except Henry, that is:
Not a happy face
42% of Americans eat three or more snacks every day. That seems crazy to me. Am I alone on this one, or do most people snack between every single meal they eat? Revelation courtesy of the NYTimes.
I love stuffed Jalepeno peppers, I really do. They’re one of my favorite fatty bar-snacks (along with hot chicken wings), but I had my doubts about the quality of these pre-made Hot-Bites that my sister and I enjoyed the other night. We were pleasantly surprised.
Ease 4.5/5 – Apart from turning on the oven and flipping partway through, these were dead-easy.
Colour 5/5 – Golden. So golden that I wonder if these are pre-fried.. but I don’t like to ask any questions of pre-made foodstuffs, I don’t think any of us really want to know the secrets of an industry that requires ‘food scientists’ to formulate products that aren’t inedible and can qualify for various objective terms like ‘cheese food’ and ‘cheese product’.
Flavour 3.5/5 – This is where the poppers fall flat. They were mildly spicy, which I liked, but the cheese was weirdly sweet and tangy, while the coating had a mild aftertaste of freezerburn. A spicy, salty*, fatty treat followed by a freezerburn chaser is not delicious.
*and they are mind-numbingly salty! 3 poppers contain just shy of one quarter of your recommended daily salt intake. Even for me, that’s a bit much.
Resemblance to packaging 4/5 – As with the Pizza Poppers, these appear too stuffed on the box, but marketing is what it is. This is why you put a photo of yourself from 5 years ago on your internet dating profile – you’re no fool.
I don’t know if eating this much processed food has ruined my taste buds, but apart from the sweetness and freezer-burn, I enjoyed these. I know that’s a big exception to make, but compared to Aunt Jemima’s breakfast croissant sandwich (coming soon), these were actually a joy to eat.
After an indulgent Christmas, I had to force myself to continue sampling the wonders of pre-packaged North American cuisine. As promised in the Kraft Dinner post, I am sampling Kraft Deluxe macaroni and cheese.
This mac and cheese receives its sauce from a pouch of orange goo, rather than the arduous mixing of powder, milk and butter into the pasta. This sauce is a runny Velveeta, which according to Wikipedia , cannot be sold as a “cheese food” but rather as a “cheese product” as it does not contain more than 51% cheese… Personally I find the sound of a processed ‘cheese food’ much more revolting.
Kraft Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese
Ease 4/5 – Streamlines the Kraft Dinner process by coming with a pre-prepared sauce. Not only do you gain convenience, but also a wonderful squishing sound as the thick cheese sauce is sloshed about with the noodles.
Colour 3/5 – I don’t know why this looses the vibrance of Kraft Dinner, it sure as hell isn’t more natural!
Texture 2.5/5 – This is where Deluxe Mac and Cheese starts to lose me. Unfortunately I find the texture of the cheese sauce to be too rich and slimy. That’s not the kind of mouth-feel you get with regular Kraft Dinner and an unpleasant surprise here. Yes, I used the term mouth-feel.
Flavour 3/5 – The taste is strong, very strong. There’s a sharpness and saltiness that only a processed “cheese product” is legally allowed to have. I will give points for not being overwhelmingly sweet, but I’m not a huge fan of whatever is causing this tang.
Resemblance to packaging 4/5 – The over-sauced gooiness is not accurately represented on the packaging. Since the directions are are as simple as ‘stir through cheese sauce’ I’m pretty sure this is not my fault.
Over-all a pretty delicious experience, but I will still take regular Kraft Dinner any day. Maybe I’m just not ‘Deluxe’ enough.
Apparently North American children are unable to drink milk unless it is flavoured, but what do you do when your fat child is bored of drinking chocolate milk? Not to worry, Oreo sippers and Sip-Ahh straws will come to the rescue for your picky-porker.
I had my sister (and chocolate milk connoisseur), help me with this edition of WTF and we came to a consensus regarding the new fad for milk-flavouring straws.
This is also a good opportunity to point out that in Canadia milk comes in bags. This is weird to a lot of people, but I don’t remember it ever being different – it’s also pretty green since you cut down packaging.
Oreo Sippers and Sip-Ahh Straws
Ease 3.5/5 – In theory this should be easy, you pour milk into a glass and drink it through a straw. In practice there is a major flaw with each product: Oreo sippers are so wide that it’s like drinking out of a snorkel – this leads to the unpleasant experience of having milk forcefully hit you in the back of the throat – delicious. Sip-Ahh straws, on the other hand, are too narrow and the chocolate beads become clumped together, requiring you to apply the sucking power of a Dyson hoover in order to get a drop of chocolate milk.
Colour 4/5 – Not much to say here – the Oreo Sippers are black and white – the Sip-Ahhs could be darker… they looked a little too chalky.
Texture 3/5 – The Oreos Sippers do not hold up well in milk. After a couple of minutes they are soft and pretty gross to eat.
Smacked in the back of the throat by poorly flavoured milk
Flavour 2/5 – On both accounts flavour is lacking greatly. Sip-Ahhs fail to turn the milk chocolaty and Oreo Straws don’t taste like much of anything until you bite into them – if you do this before they sit in the milk for more than a minute then you’re in luck: but that’s not what they’re intended for… if i want to eat an Oreo I would grab a cookie, but dammit I wanted Oreo-flavoured milk through a cookie straw! My sister’s critique: ‘Both of these taste like crap’.
Resemblance to packaging 4/5 – Oreos fair very well, but where is the pole-dancing cow from the Sip-Ahhs package?
These straws represent everything that is wrong with children today. Enough said.