WTF (What the Food!) Handi-Snacks Edition

At this point it’s looking like I have a bone to pick with Kraft Foods, but this is purely coincidental.  Kraft, please don’t sue me.  Unlike Kraft DinnerCool Whip and Pizza Pops, I have never had Handi-Snacks. Please allow me to start by expressing my distain for the use of “Handi” – this incredible lack of respect for language is, unfortunately, not the worst thing about Handi-Snacks.  What is, you ask?  Everything else.

Handi-Snacks

Ease 4.5/5 – You have to dip them yourself?  So much work.

Colour 2/5 – The whole snack is a bit flat / beige.  If I’m eating artificial cheese, I want it to be bright orange.

Texture 1/5 – The breadsticks are really crunchy – so they have that going for them, but they are dipped into a horrible, oily cheese spread.  I’m not sure if it was the cheese or the breadsticks that left a film in my mouth, but I suspect it was actually the latter.

Flavour 0/5 – And by film, I mean syrup.  The breadsticks are incredibly sweet: sugar is the second ingredient listed after flour.  What the hell is wrong with childrens’ pallets that they can’t eat something unless it’s sweetened to the point of almost being candied?  The fact that you dip these cookie-like-sticks into an artificial (very salty) cheese is actually kind of nauseating after the first stick.  Yes, I at the whole package – I was very dehydrated and hyperactive afterwards.

Resemblance to packaging 0/5 – This might be kind of an unfair, given that the packaging contains a terrifying and very phallic breadstick mascot joyfully dipping himself in a gooey cheese-bath.  I always find food mascots that are excited about their impending consumption to be kind of creepy – they’re a bit like that guy in Germany who met a cannibal online and willfully offered himself as dinner.

I can’t see how eating these wouldn’t give you diabetes:  Handi-Snacks are what you should feed your family… if you hate your family.

-Ryan

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One response to “WTF (What the Food!) Handi-Snacks Edition

  1. Very funny Ryan. you should be a professional writer.

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